From the quite of eternity
by DarkKnight1
Summary: An alternate version of the events in 'The Gift' through this season. Xander is the one to sacrifice his life to save Dawn by distracting Doc until Buffy could get there. He finds himself wrenched from hevean and must deal with his feelings of betrayal as


Title: From the quiet of eternity  
  
Authour: Socrates  
  
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and the other evil one's own Buffy, although   
from the way they keep messing things up, they certainly don't   
deserve it.  
  
Category: Story/Angst/romance  
  
Rating: PG-13(warning: mature themes. suicide and chronic depression.   
Not for the timid.  
  
Summary: Things go a little bit different in 'The gift'.  
  
Distribution: Please let me know where it is going.  
  
Feedback: It would be much appreciated.  
  
Author's notes: I decided to do something to try and get my mind off   
all the BS doom and gloom, and remembered something I saw on TV that   
gave me an idea for a story. You'll be surprised to know that this   
whole story comes from a single picture. Confused yet? I'll explain   
as I go along. Keep in mind that this is a very dark story. I don't   
intend to let any sunshine in for a while. This is more or less how I   
feel that Xander really feels and it is one of the reasons why I get   
upset that they ignore him so much.  
  
Author's notes part two: This is my way of apology to the group for   
being such a jerk lately. I was just upset with the way things are   
going. I apologize if I offended anyone, particularly the BX fans who   
also like BS, and I hope that this in some small way makes up for my   
actions.  
  
  
  
part 1  
  
  
  
  
The ice cold water lapped gently at the edge of the ice-berg as it   
floated slowly across the frozen waters. The picturesqe landscape   
seemed fit for some book that might have once been written by a long   
dead author. The entire are held an air of quiet serenity that seemed   
entirely out of place for the scene.  
  
At the edge of the largest ice-berg, sat a solitary figure. His dark   
hair whipped gently by the cold wind, like the caress of a loved one.   
His eyes fized straight ahead, seeing nothing, and yet at the same   
time perceiving things that men an women strive their entire lives to   
know.  
  
Despite the temperature, he felt no cold. For the first time in his   
life her felt no sadness, no sense of loss, of worthlessnes. For the   
first time in his life, Xander felt at peace.  
  
This was the type of piece that could not be truly described, so all   
encompasing was the feeling. It felt as if he was the quiet and the   
quite was him, like a symbiotic bonding had taken place so that they   
were so entwined that one could not determine where one ended and the   
other began.  
  
He wanted for nothing, he desired nothing, he felt nothing except   
contentment.  
  
He had been sitting there like that since he first go there, wherever   
there was. He didn't really care to find out, he didn't care about   
anything at all. Not his family, or his friends, nothing. In fact if   
he could have it his way, he would have sat there for the rest of   
eternity, basking in the feelings of utter contentment. He was quite   
content to do just that, after all, he was dead.  
  
If he could remember such things, he would have recalled the incident   
himself. It was the final battle with Glory. Buffy was busy fighting   
the god, and Willow had sent Spike up to rescue Dawn.  
  
He had placed a soft kiss on Anya's forehead, told her how much he   
loved her, then he set off after Spike. He had known exactly what   
awaited him, he supposed he'd always known that this was how he would   
die. After all, his name did mean 'protector of mankind'. It was like   
this feeling in the back of his head, a profound understanding of his   
role in the world. He was meant to die so that others could live. The   
knowledge didn't bring him any sadness, in fact it brought a joy to   
his heart to know that he would be able to help others, that those   
more important would be able to carry on the fight because he had   
placed himself in the line of fire. He felt no pride about it either,   
Xander was not a prideful man. He simply did what he could to help.   
He was not the slayer, nor the Witch or The Watcher. Not the vampire   
with a soul, or the one without. He was not the key. Xander did not   
have any powers and he would have refused them had they been offered.   
He was the normal guy who did the normal things so that the others   
could take care of the big problems. It had taken a long time, but he   
was content with that role.  
  
To be honest, Xander knew that he would glady welcome the peace and   
quiet that would accompany death. He never told anyone, even Anya of   
the times that he had woken up in the middle of the night crying for   
no reason. He couldn't really put a finger on why he felt the   
sadness. He supposed it was a number of things, stemming from his   
parents lack of love, to the bouts of abuse, Buffy's callous   
treatment of his feelings. The feelings of abandonment suffered at   
the end of high school and when Buffy and Willow had started college.   
All the twisted and jagged pieces of his life that came together in   
such an irregular fashion that they were crushing his heart and soul.   
He could feel it all the time, like scar tissue was covering his   
heart and some times it hurt to breath. Moments of happiness were the   
worst though, because for those brief moments, he forgot about the   
pain in his heart and he could actually be at peace. Then, the moment   
would end and the pain would come back in a rush and he would find   
himself gasping for breath to fill his burning lungs. It was like his   
head had been held underwater until he almost passed out.  
  
He knew what the pain was too, he had tried to deny it but the simple   
truth was inescapable. It was depression. It was why there were   
mornings that he would wake up and feel this overwhelming surge of   
sadness that he couldn't explain. He tried to ignore it, to be   
evryone's loveable Xander, the guy without a care in the world. The   
truth was though, he wasn't everyone's loveable Xander. He never had   
been really. It was all just a clever front that he put up so people   
wouldn't see the real him. He had never dropped that front for   
anyone, not even Willow. He knew that she wouldn't understand, she   
couldn't. After all, HE couldn't understand it himself. It was just   
one of those things that he had learned at a young age. You had to   
act like you were happy or people would think there was something was   
wrong with you.  
  
Xander had once tried to be himself when he was young. He was in   
school and the teacher noticed that he was feeling abit down. Xander   
tried to open up to him. The kind man had called Xander'a father and   
he had come over to the school. Xander had a tearful scene with his   
father in front of the teacher.  
  
When he got home his father beat him half to death with a baseball   
bat. Xander learned after that that being yourself was not a good   
thing.  
  
Over the years he had gotten so good at fooling everyone that he had   
almost fooled himself, almost.  
  
There were times where he actually believed that he WAS goofy old   
Xander. They never lasted very long. Someone would say something   
about him, not meaning to insult but it had that effect. The reality   
of the situation would come pouring in and once again he would slip   
into the trusted act.  
  
He thought about ending it sometimes, even now. He would never tell   
anyone that because they would have him commited. It would be so easy   
to do it, just take some pills and go to sleep and he would never   
wake up, never have to feel the anger or the fear. It would all just   
go away like a bad dream. There was one reason that he didn't though,   
his friends. He had made up his mind that he would do all he could to   
help them until his dying day.   
  
So he stayed and he fought, never telling them the truth because he   
didn't want to distract them. Dying inside just a little each day,   
but on the outside looking like the same goofy Xander.  
  
It was safe to say that Xander Harris did not fear death. In fact, he   
welcomed it.  
  
So, Xander charged heroically up the platform staris to meet his fate.  
  
He had found Spike struggling with the fellow from the shop that he   
had run through with a sword the other day. Throwing caution to the   
wind, he had rushed forward and pulled Doc off the vampire. He   
motioned for him to take care of Dawn while he handled the demon.   
Spike gave him a brief look, but hurried over to Dawn and freed her   
while Xander kept Doc occupied.  
  
Dawn caught Xander's eye and knew what he was intending. She   
struggled against Spike while screaming at Xander to not do it.  
  
"Get her the hell out of here Spike!" He had commanded and Spike had   
hastily obliged.  
  
"Its just you and me asshole!"  
  
Doc had just smiled at him, "So it is."  
  
Xander had charged at him and bowled him over with a tackle. They   
went down in a tangle of limbs and Xander struggled to get free. A   
moment later, a curious sensation emanated from his stomach as Doc   
shoved a knife into his belly. It hadn't really hurt like he thought   
it would. In fact, it has sorta tickled and he might have actually   
laughed if he had been coherent enough.  
  
He had felt the strength rapidly leaving his body as Doc twisted the   
knife and dragged it slowly across his stomach and up his chest.  
  
By the time the knife reached his heart, he was in no condtition to   
feel anything as his soul left his body behind.  
  
He hovered in the air for a few minutes, watching in fascination as   
Buffy ascended the last step and found his body there. She let out a   
soul shattering scream and proceeded to beat Doc silly before she   
tosssed him off the platform.  
  
The last sight he had of the world was watching Buffy clutch his body   
to her chest and rock back and forth as his life's blood spilled onto   
her clothes.  
  
Right after thatm he found himself here, and it was such a natural   
feeling that he would have disputed it if someone had told him that   
he hadn't always been here. As far as he knew he had. He couldn't   
remember anything before this and he had no desire to try. As strange   
as it might seem, this was the most peaceful place he could be.  
  
Then it was all ripped from him, literally. He felt a curious   
sensation, like someone was trying to grab hold of his insides. At   
first he found the sensation quite amusing, then there was a pull and   
it felt as if someone was trying to yank his insides out. He felt his   
connection to this place began to slip and it felt like he was being   
ripped apart. He tried to fight it, but the sensations of pain that   
he had forgotten about returned full force as he was ripped from this   
existance and thrust into the harsh light.  
  
  
  
  
When he could feel again, it was quite different than before. The   
feelings of peace were gone and in their place was all the pain and   
suffering that he had left behind. He knew exactly what had happened,   
like one who is dreaming and is suddenly thrust back to the waking   
world.  
  
He was alive.  
  
He fought the urge to vomit as he slowly opened his eyes and the   
light burned them. He closed them again and felt the pain pass. As   
his ears slowly began to function again he could discern voices   
around him. It was them. The people he never wanted to see again.  
  
He opened his eyes again and looked up at the teary eyes of the blond   
who knelt over him.  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"Welcome home Xander."  
  
  
  
End part 1 


End file.
